


afraid and happy

by ashtonsbabygurl



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Coming Out, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Lots of it, Lots of that too, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Talk of sex, so uh spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-28 23:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10841532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashtonsbabygurl/pseuds/ashtonsbabygurl
Summary: Ronan had always known he was gay.He may not have known it in words, but the thought was always there, pressing somewhere in the back of his mind, waiting until Ronan was ready to fully reveal itself. When he did put words to the music playing mindlessly in the back of his mind, he kept it to himself.Ronan told himself that he wasn’t embarrassed, or ashamed. He pretended that he was just waiting for a better time to make himself known, if there ever was such a time. Ronan thought that maybe his life would always be too full of dead fathers and night terrors to have room for such nonsense ideas as sexualities. Whatever excuses he came up with for hiding himself, it was all the same: he was afraid.Or,5 times Ronan came out to the Gangsey, and 1 time Adam did.





	afraid and happy

**Author's Note:**

> ok ok so first off: not ur momma’s brand of coming out, but you'll catch on to the theme quickly. 
> 
> really, this started out as fluffy out of character crack with some really angsty parts, but i was able to smooth it over, and now i feel that this came out waaaayy better than expected. it’s really just watching ronan and adam slowly accept themselves over the years, plus the gangsey! it’s a really nice time, trust me, it’s worth the time to read this!!!!! (though i may be biased) 
> 
> also, when i went to pick out the rings, i googled ‘blue opal rings’ and literally started crying because of how fucking beautiful the rings were. i realize now that i actually picked out wedding bands instead of an engagement ring, but whatever, the ring is pretty enough to pass as an engagement ring in my opinion: [x](https://www.happylaulea.com/products/black-hi-tech-ceramic-ring-with-blue-opal-hawaiian-koa-wood-inlay-8mm-width-comfort-fitment?gclid=CMrrxZCA0NMCFYqLswodKhELmQ) and [x](https://www.happylaulea.com/products/blue-opal-tungsten-carbide-wedding-band-set-pair-of-6-8mm-widths-barrel-shape-style-comfort-fit?gclid=CNratLOA0NMCFdiEswodoGMHBA)

Part 1—Ronan had always known he was gay. He may not have known it in words, but the thought was always there, pressing somewhere in the back of his mind, waiting until Ronan was ready to fully reveal itself. When he did put words to the music playing dully in the back of his mind, he kept it to himself. Ronan told himself that he wasn’t embarrassed, or ashamed. He pretended that he was just waiting for a better time to make himself known, if there ever was such a time. Ronan thought that maybe his life would always be too full of dead fathers and night terrors to have room for such nonsense ideas as sexualities. Whatever excuses he came up with for hiding himself, it was all the same: he was afraid. 

Those were the thoughts that clouded Ronan’s mind as he sat at a Nino’s booth with Noah, Gansey, and Adam on a Wednesday evening. The three of them were all talking of a homecoming dance, Ronan excluded. 

Adam had only recently started coming to Nino’s with them. When he did start coming, he sat in Ronan’s seat, next to Gansey. At first, this had gotten on Ronan’s nerves. It was his seat, his Gansey after all. These things weren’t Adam’s to take. Lately, he had grown to tolerate Adam. He did this only because Gansey had asked him on many, many occasions to be nicer to him. Ronan had taken pity on Gansey, and gave in to his requests (partially). He still didn’t like Adam, but he acted civil towards him when presented the opportunity. 

Ronan sat with the three, but didn’t participate in the conversation. The topic was revolving around girls, something he was not too keen on. Instead, he opted to gnaw on his leather bracelets while Noah watched. The sullen boy laughed at the action. Ronan elbowed him in the side. 

While at Nino’s, the four of them would talk about whatever needed talking about. Sometimes Ronan and Gansey talked about Monmouth, sometimes Gansey tried to get Adam to move in. Sometimes Adam and Gansey talked about homework. Sometimes Noah talked about something that just happened to be funny. Mostly, Ronan kept to himself, especially these last few days, where he felt he _couldn’t_ join in on the conversations. 

Ronan couldn’t wait until this dance was over, and they could talk about something that actually interested him. 

Or maybe after homecoming, they’d continue to talk about things that didn’t interest him, and he would simply stop coming to their Nino’s dates. Perhaps he’d stop being invited. He sighed, and swirled his water around with his straw. Only did he look up when his name was called from the other side of the table. 

“How about you Ronan? Will you be blessing Aglionby with your presence at Homecoming this year?” Gansey asked with a cordial smile. Mentally, Ronan groaned. Out loud, he laughed. Anyone who knew Ronan knew that he was not a fan of dances. 

“Nope, not going to homecoming,” Ronan glared at the bright smiling boy sitting across from him, though the look was only skin deep. 

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure,” he said. Ronan thought that even if he was straight, he still wouldn’t attend homecoming. It seemed like a pointless idea. In reality, it was just a night for people to show off their dates—as if their were objects to be praised for. If Ronan was dating someone, he thought that would be no one’s business but his own.

Gansey sighed, and gave him a look that said something along the lines of: _you should try to get out more._ Ronan didn’t like when Gansey told him to do things. 

“You don’t have a date?” Adam asked, as if he had been reading the other boy’s mind. Ronan _almost_ laughed at that. No one at _Aglionby_ , a school for pretentious straight boys, would like Ronan. 

“I don’t like girls,” he said instead. The conversation was bordering closely to dangerous territory. 

Adam smiled at that. “Afraid of cooties?” he teased. The remark had Noah laughing. Gansey was  smiling, too. 

“I think that’s definitely it,” Noah said towards Adam. 

The table continued to laugh. Ronan knew they weren’t laughing at him, exactly; they were laughing at the idea of _big, scary Ronan_ hating dances because he was actually, legitimately afraid of cooties _._ While he knew this was the cause of their laughter, he still felt borderline uncomfortable. 

When he had said _I don’t like girls_ , he had meant it. It wasn’t a joke. _He_ wasn’t a joke. Everyday Ronan had to wake up and go on his day being different, but pretend that he was just the same as everyone else—it wasn’t something they could just laugh over. It was a serious insecurity of his. He wanted them to understand, this wasn’t funny. 

“Fuck off, Parrish,” he said, his voice as sharp as usual. When the boys around him continued to laugh at Adam’s joke, he turned to everyone and said: “I’m gay, asshats.” 

Once he said it, the table went quiet. Perhaps he should’ve just let them laugh. 

“That’s what I meant by: I don’t like girls, and that’s why I don’t like dances. Okay? Fuck all of you,” he clarified. He folded his arms over defensively. The table remained quiet. 

In that moment, he hadn’t said it to “come out” necessarily, he had said it to make everyone stop laughing (which they did)—but he realized the vulnerability of his confession outweighed the harshness of the remark. 

In reality, the quietness of the table had only lasted a few seconds. To Ronan, it felt like an eternity. In the few seconds, hundreds of scenarios played in his mind: the world imploding in on itself, the boys continuing to laugh at Ronan even after his confession, Gansey giving him a disappointing look and asking him “politely” to leave the table. Each scenario only seemed to get worse. None of those scenarios happened, luckily. Instead, the table’s mood seemed only to stutter—from happiness and laughter to silence and uncertainty, then back to happiness. 

All at once, the energy was returned to the table: Noah clapped a hand over his back and whispered something encouraging into his ear. Gansey made a slightly shocked, but pleased noise. Adam smiled. They _all_ met his eyes with reassuring looks. 

“Okay, asshat,” Adam said with a crooked smile, and then added: “You could still bring someone, you know.”

When this was said, Gansey perked up. “Yes! There are plenty of lovely young lads at Aglionby that would be happy to go with you Ronan. Actually, I think I remember Tad Carruthers mentioning—“

At this Ronan flushed and put his head down and groaned. “Fuck no, stop. I don’t give a shit about what Tad said.”

“Okay, but you’ll consider what I said? Just because you-you are attracted to men, that doesn’t mean—”

Ronan cut off Gansey again before it could get too sappy. This was already embarrassing him enough. “Yeah, yeah—whatever,” Ronan said. “God, just talk about something else.”

“Okay…if you wish,” Gansey said. “I actually wanted to ask you guys about Welsh Kings. I was talking to Mallory yesterday, and I found out…”

As Gansey started to rattle on about Welsh Kings, his newest obsession, the night’s events replayed themselves in Ronan’s head. 

Ronan wondered if he would ever fully accept himself, or if he would ever be able to fully believe his friends acceptance. Saying the words “I’m gay,” was different than being okay with them. In the same, smiling and saying: “you can still go to the dance” was different from meaning it. If Ronan could pretend to accept himself, so could his friends. Yet, as Adam met his eyes from across the table, Ronan didn’t see any signs of judgement—and if he did, it was only his own eyes reflecting back at him.

 

Part 2—Ronan’s acceptance of himself had grown over the next few years, but only slightly. The memory of Niall Lynch’s death was still prominent in his brain, but it had lessened. The less he could remember from that dreadful year, the more normal he felt. He longed to lose the memory completely, to be his old self, to be more accepting. Ronan wasn’t happy, but he was getting better. Perhaps the newfound self-confidence had less to do with the fading memory of Niall, and more to do with the elegant boy who had grown close to Ronan in the years preceding. 

At this particular moment, Ronan was lying in his bed at Monmouth. He had just been dreaming, and was now studying the dream object he had brought back. 

 _Manibus_. He hadn’t meant to dream it, exactly. The idea had been in his head, he had seem how dry and calloused Adam’s hands were, but to actually hold the item in his hands was something else. It felt like a mistake. Surely, Ronan couldn’t actually go through with this—Adam would think he was mad. 

“Is that for Adam?” Noah appeared suddenly, like he did often. The frequency of these events did not make them any less surprising. 

Ronan jumped. “Jesus, Noah. Creepy,” he answered, but ignored the question.

“I know it is,” Noah said. _Of course Noah would know that the dream lotion was for Adam._ Noah seemed to always know about these kinds of things. Ronan suspected that he had known about Gansey and Blue long before any of them, perhaps even before they knew themselves. 

“Okay,” Ronan said simply. It was just lotion, he could pretend it was a simple gift. It didn’t have to mean anything—though, they both knew it did. 

Noah came to sit down on the bed with Ronan, instead of standing in the doorway, where he had been previously. “You can tell me,” he said. 

Ronan’s heart started beating faster, then.

He felt… hot and embarrassed, shameful even—but, this thing Ronan and Adam had wasn’t _bad_. When Noah asked him about it, he shouldn't have felt scared. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of. 

Still, with dream-lotion in his hands, Ronan felt like a kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He felt like he had just been caught doing something forbidden, even though there was nothing wrong with what he had been doing. Liking Adam was not a crime, though, in that moment, it felt like one. The need to hide was almost overwhelming. Ronan wondered if that was the feeling that came with all love, or just his particular brand. 

“Tell you what?” Ronan asked.

Noah just gave him a look. Ronan already knew what Noah had meant, that was obvious.

“You can already read my thoughts,” Ronan said, again dodging the question. It wasn’t that he didn’t know the answer, he just wasn’t sure how to put it into words, or if he was ready to.

“I can, but I want to hear _you_ say it. I want to understand,” Noah said. He was sitting closely to Ronan now, their thighs touching. The atmosphere of the room felt oddly intimate. “Plus, your thoughts are awfully complicated. They’re not exactly coherent, and I think half of them are in Latin, or dream language, or something. Whenever I hear you thinking about Adam it's just like, screaming.”

That made Ronan smirk a bit. “That’s accurate.”

It was quiet after that. Ronan didn’t want to think too loud, in fear of Noah hearing. Instead, they both just sat in silence, with Noah staring at Ronan, as if he was waiting. It was Noah’s creepy staring that made him feel like he should just fess up, so he wouldn’t have to endure his uncomfortable stare anymore. 

“I’m not going to stop staring until you talk to me, man,” Noah said finally. 

The sullen boy beside him had a good way of getting people to talk, Ronan had to admit. He thumbed over the label on the dream-lotion while he decided what he was going to say. Ultimately, he decided for this occasion, it was best not to think at all. 

“Fine, fuck you,” Ronan said. It felt like giving up, but in reality, he knew this was anything but. He took a breath before turning his head to the boy beside him. “I like Adam.” 

The grin on Noah’s face made up for any insecurities he had had beforehand. Well, not all of the insecurities, but some of them. He wasn’t sure why Noah was so happy with his confession, but he didn’t mind. It was possible that Noah had enough pride for the both of them. 

“He’ll love it,” Noah whispered simply, before disappearing completely—leaving Ronan alone with his dream-lotion and his thoughts. 

As Ronan looked over to the lotion in his hands, he kept thinking to himself, perhaps a crush isn’t something to be ashamed of, but proud of. There was nothing wrong with Ronan, and certainly nothing wrong with what he had with Adam. While he felt ashamed because of his crush, Noah had shown no signs of disgust towards Ronan. There was no reason for Ronan to hide. He liked Adam, and that was absolutely okay. 

 

Part 3—As it turned out, liking Adam was more than okay. After the events of the summer, Ronan only grew closer to Adam. On his birthday, he had worked up enough courage to kiss the boy he had been crushing on for months. After that, everything fell into place. Now, came the hard part: telling everyone. 

"How are things?" Ronan asked once him and Mathew were alone, sitting in the younger boy’s old bedroom. "DC treating you well? _Declan_ treating you well?" 

It was March now, nearly April. Virginia was a different kind of beautiful this time of year, and Ronan thought it was as good a time as any to throw something together at the Barns. Blue, Gansey, Henry and Adam were the first ones on the guest list. Declan and Mathew had even come down from D.C., one of the first times since their mother had died. 

When Aurora died, it wasn't anything like when Niall did. The brothers had already lost Aurora before, when Niall died, in a way. Even when she was awake in Cabeswater, her existence straddled the awkward middle ground between alive and dead. Keeping her alive in Cabeswater, where Aurora would never be able to live freely, was unfair for everyone.

Aurora existed in the same way that Noah did, and Ronan knew how strenuous that had been for Noah and everyone who knew him—so when Aurora died, it felt more peaceful, it felt more like closure. It was an end of an era. (An era of buzz cuts and disconnected brothers and an overall haze of sadness. When Aurora died, it was like they could finally be done with all of that.)

That wasn't to say that they hadn't had an _awful_ of a time grieving over her. Aurora was the best part of all of them. Her death was horrible, but it brought them together. They could finally grieve.

"Yeah, I'm fine Ronan, really," Mathew answered. Their mother's death had been hardest on him, whom Aurora had adored the most. "Are _you_ good?" 

"Never been better," Ronan answered. What he said was true. He didn’t have to go to Aglionby anymore, he had a dream-daughter/sister/pet, and he was dating the boy of his dreams. Ronan, if not happy, was content.  

Mathew smiled. “Even without Aglionby?” he asked. 

“ _Especially_ without Aglionby.” 

“Declan says you’ll regret it,” Mathew said, yet his voice was almost sweet. 

“Declan doesn’t know shit,” Ronan said. The two brothers were closer now, but they still had their fights—just now, there was less blood. 

“You aren’t like, lonely though?” Mathew asked in a way that seemed like he was trying to be polite. 

Ronan only gave him a look. He felt anything but lonely _here_. They were talking in Ronan’s old room, where he had once had his first kiss. Gansey, Blue, and everyone else stirred outside the room, just reminding himself further of how far he had come. Ronan had been lonesome, but he was not anymore. 

“C’mon, you live on a farm by yourself, you don’t go to school, _and_ you never use your phone. You have to admit you’ve reached a new level of antisocial,” Mathew said, only half joking.

The statement had Ronan almost keeled over with laughter. “Fuck you—it’s fine. I have Opal here with me, I’m not alone. Gansey and Maggot stop by when they can. And I mean, Adam, Adam practically lives here,” Ronan explained. 

Mathew gave him a look. “What about St. Agnes?”

“I mean, he still technically lives there, but it’s just easier for both of us if he stays here, at least it will be during the summer when he doesn’t have to drive to Aglionby,” Ronan explained again. Eventually, he saw Adam and himself living here together. He wasn’t sure how realistic that was with Adam’s pride, but, he could still hope.

“Oh?” Mathew asked, his expression bordering confusion and playfulness. Ronan realized that he had said to much about his and Adam’s relationship to pass off as platonic; he had probably confused his little brother. 

Ronan mentally cursed at himself for letting such a romantic detail of his and Adam’s relationship slip. While he knew _Mathew_ would not judge him, he had not been planning on telling anyone quite yet—he supposed Mathew would just have to be an exception.

Ronan sighed and moved to be closer to his brother. “I… I asked Adam to be my boyfriend, Matts.”

Once he said it, Ronan felt better The words felt foreign in his mouth, but they felt right. They had been meaning to tell Gansey and Blue, they really had, they just hadn’t had the right time, or the right words to do so yet. But now, with Mathew, it had seemed so simple.

Then, it seemed to click in Mathew’s head. “Oh! Oh okay, I see. That’s awesome, Ronan!” the boy said excitedly. “I’m sure you two are great for each other, really.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled with the slightest blush on his cheeks. 

Luckily, he didn’t have to be embarrassed in front of his brother for too long, as shouting was heard coming from the kitchen— something along the lines of _Ronan get down here, the stove is burning._

It was Blue’s voice, so Ronan wasn’t particularly concerned. Still, the two made their way down there nonetheless. It seemed like an unspoken agreement that Mathew wouldn’t tell anyone, or at least, it had seemed that way to Ronan. 

;

Everyone had pitched in to prepare dinner. Ronan was used to making dinner for himself, and sometimes Adam, so he was the main contributor. Blue and Gansey had pitched in with what they could, and Opal made dessert with Mathew. Adam had set the table that the eight of them were now eating on.

Ronan had chose to sit next to Adam, with Mathew and Declan sitting across from them. Blue, Gansey and Henry sat on either side of them. Opal was sitting off to the side near Mathew, quietly gnawing on her bowl of sticks. As they ate, the table had a quiet conversation always going. The function had been easy-going thus far. 

“Are you guys excited to graduate?” Mathew asked the table. It was only March, but early graduation was just around the corner. 

Henry groaned, Blue snorted, and Gansey beamed. They all chattered about their responses. While they did so, Ronan was relieved that he no longer had to deal with high school things. It wasn’t that he couldn’t deal, but rather, there was no need for him to put himself through the torture any longer. _Adam_ had to finish high school because he would go on to do intelligent things—Ronan didn’t need schooling to be a farmer, a dreamer, or a parent to a goat-girl. 

Mathew smiled at their responses. “What about you, Adam?” he asked, this time directing the question towards Adam. While many of Ronan’s friends were graduating, they all knew Adam was the only one who would actually go on to use their diploma. 

Adam had been quiet most of the night, but he was usually quiet. The only difference tonight was that there was actual people here besides Ronan to observe his quietness. 

After hearing his name called, Adam stopped shoveling mashed potatoes into his mouth. He paused for a moment, thinking about his answer as if it held monetary value. “Yeah of course. It’s exciting to have high school over and done with, that way I can focus on more important things, like college and work… I’m just eager to start a new part of my life, I guess,” he said, smiling at Ronan subtly as he spoke.

“ _Gay,_ ” Ronan mouthed to Adam beside him. It seemed like everything that came out of Adam’s mouth was well-thought out, and when about Ronan, cheesy—though, Ronan couldn’t be mad at him because his thoughts were just as hackneyed as his. 

Mathew smirked at Ronan after Adam spoke. “Well, good luck—to the both of you.” As he spoke, Ronan felt more than one pair of questioning eyes on him. 

Declan was the first to say something. “He isn’t graduating, dumbass.”

“That isn’t what I meant,” Mathew said to Declan. Now, everyone’s eyes were definitely on Ronan, including Adam’s.

It was obvious what he meant, or at least it was to Ronan, and judging by the blush on his boyfriend’s face, it was obvious to Adam too. Matthew had borderline outed them (though it was probably Ronan’s fault). The rest of the table just seemed confused—they would have to explain this now, Ronan realized. 

To only add to the confusion, Opal piped up from the corner of the table. “Tell them!” Ronan didn’t even know how she was so keyed in on their conversation, since she had seemed quite enthralled in her bowl of sticks up until this point.

Ronan looked at the boy sitting beside him, who only gave an encouraging smile. They had talked about this before (telling everyone) and neither of the boys felt like they had a reason to hide anymore. Adam had told Ronan there was never a reason to hide in the first place. His words replayed in his head now as he mustered the courage to speak.  It seemed like an unspoken truth that Ronan had to be the one to tell them. 

Realizing there was no pushing this off any further, Ronan sighed. “Adam and I are—we’re boyfriends.” 

It felt good to say it, Ronan realized. He enjoyed the way _Adam_ and _Boyfriend_ rolled off his tongue, especially when said in the same sentence. After it had been said, Ronan realized everyone already kind of knew, at least Gansey and Blue and maybe Henry because who the fuck knows. His confession seemed to still be a little shocking, judging by the looks on everyone’s faces—especially Declan’s. Even Adam had almost choked on his mashed potatoes, who probably hadn’t expected Ronan to be so blunt. 

Really, there was no reason to hide this—from anyone. Even Declan had a right to know. 

“It’s official?” Blue asked, looking between the two, who nodded. 

“It’s official,” Adam said. He took Ronan’s hand in his and gave him a smile, but didn’t stop shoveling potatoes in his mouth with the other hand. It didn’t have to be a big deal if they didn’t make it into one. Later, the two would talk it over in more depths, Ronan knew, but for now, they let them have their simplicity. 

The table went back into a happy chatter. Ronan felt a huge weight off of his chest. No matter how comfortable he was with himself, there would always be room for insecurity.

“I suppose,” Declan spoke up after a few moments. “if _you_ have to date anyone, I’m glad it’s Adam.” he said, almost with no inflection, as if he was speaking on a political matter. Still, the confession meant a lot to Ronan. All the brothers longed for unity between them, and this just felt like a step closer. 

“Thanks, Declan,” Adam said. Ronan held his gaze over the table, and raised his eyebrow as if to  say: _what are you playing at?_ But, Declan only shook his head at him and smiled. Months ago, the moment couldn’t ended in bloodshed—but now, it only ended in an understanding. 

After that, the dinner continued on as usual. Opal brought out the cake she made, which everyone enjoyed. Mathew and Declan eventually said their goodbyes, but only after the three of them had hugged, solidifying the fact that they were _okay_. 

Once they were alone, Blue congratulated the two of them—even whispered something in Adam’s ear that made him blush. Ronan only felt moderately jealous, because Adam was _his_ boyfriend after all. Henry fist bumped the two of them on his way out, and Gansey recited an anecdote about love. All of which were appreciate, in some way.

That night, lying in bed, Adam confessed that he felt happy. “Not in the fleeting sense of the word, but in the way that promises security. I feel safe with you, with what we have.”

In that moment, whatever Ronan could remember of the time when he had felt uncomfortable with his own feelings, was only a distant memory. Realistically, he knew he was still far from being happy, far from being done with whatever insecurities that daunted him—but as Adam told him: “I don’t feel like hiding anymore.” Ronan could only agree. And that was a start. 

 

Part 4—After everything had settled down with the Glendower scheme, Adam and Ronan were absolutely and grossly in love. They were officially in the “honeymoon phase” as Blue called it. It was toothpaste kisses and whispered sweet nothings, long gazes and meaningful touches. They were in every way, infatuated with one another—and while hiding wasn’t necessary anymore, this was the one part of their relationship that they didn’t have to share. This sweet side was just for them.

If there was ever PDA, it was in subtle, small gestures. In Ronan’s opinion, there was no reason to be _overly showy_. Consequently, their relationship was never really in the spotlight. It was never the topic of the group’s conversations. It was just background music to whatever was taking place. It wasn’t hidden, they weren’t hiding it, there were just better things to talk about. If the group was a little… behind on all things Ronan and Adam, that was why. 

The two had said their I love you’s fairly quickly, as the both of them had been sure in their feelings for long enough that there was no point in putting it off. Ronan was relieved when Adam said it first, that way the phrase would stop coming up as word vomit—and he would be able to stop choking it down. He was free to tell Adam he loved him whenever he wanted—and he did. They said I love you all through the day, when they went to bed, when they woke up, over text, _and even on the phone_. This information hadn’t been relayed to the group as of yet. 

Looking back, it was bound to slip sometime. 

It was a normal day at Monmouth, with graduation just days away. Gansey had called Blue that morning and asked her to come over, which she did. Blue was over most days, more than Ronan was, really. Henry came over at around noon, as well. It was not an unusual sight for the three of them to be here together. As Ronan spoke to Adam on the phone, he felt a pang in his chest. This place wasn’t just for Gansey, Noah, and himself anymore. Their group had expanded and contracted, and had morphed into something different completely. Gansey had moved on, changed—they all had. 

As Ronan listened to Adam over the phone, he watched the three others talk absently. Blue and Gansey sat in the couch, while Henry sat beneath them on the floor. They fit together perfectly. Ronan couldn’t even be jealous, he had his own perfect match—the only difference was his happened to work afternoons. 

“Are you still listening?” Adam asked from the other side of the phone, catching Ronan’s attention again.

“Yup,” he said unconvincingly. He was listening, but mostly he was introspecting about all hackneyed things that didn’t need introspecting. Though, he didn’t feel guilty because Adam was one of those hackneyed, clichéd things that overplayed constantly in his mind. 

“Okay, well—I get off at six. I’ll meet you at my apartment?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Ronan said. He didn’t put much effort into phone conversations, they seemed pointless. He supposed he would have to get better at it for when Adam left for Yale. Or Princeton. Or whatever Ivy League Adam decided on. (“Whatever school accepts me, Ronan. Not whichever one I decide on, that’s not how it works,” Adam would argue. But, Ronan knew he would get into all of them.) 

“Yeah. I’ll have food, too. Bye,” Adam said. Sometimes he and Adam ate ramen over at his place and pretended it was as good as anything else. (Ronan supposed as long as Adam was enjoying it, it was as good as anything else.)

“I love you,” Ronan said sweetly (and maybe a little over dramatically), but payed no attention to the people sitting across from him. He assumed they were probably too absorbed in their weird relationship to notice Ronan and his, anyway.

“Yes, I love you. See you at six.” 

“Love you. Bye,” Ronan said again before hanging up. When he said it this time, he definitely felt eyes on him. Still, he payed no attention. He quickly typed out a text to Adam before shutting off his phone and setting it down next to him. As if nothing happened, Ronan went from speaking sweetly to his boyfriend to absently gnawing on his bracelets. He only stopped when he heard Gansey cough. 

Ronan awkwardly looked up at met Blue and Henry’s eyes, as well as Gansey’s. They all had a slightly confused look on their face, perhaps even shocked. It was like they were in awe that Ronan Lynch had actual feelings. 

“Was that Mathew on the phone?” Gansey said after a few moments. “How is he?”

Realization flooded over Ronan. _That_ was why they had been staring. He flushed. “No… That was Adam. My boyfriend…” he said awkwardly. Ronan realized that this whole Adam and Ronan thing was still new for them. “Whom I love.”

Ronan said the words nonchalantly and confidently, but, he really wasn’t fooling anyone with his red ears and red cheeks. 

Immediately, Blue was cooing, with Henry right behind her. After Gansey figured out what they were cooing about, he joined in too. They pestered him for the rest of the day, and gave him a look when he left to go to St. Agnes. He glared at all of them, but especially Blue and Henry, who really couldn’t seem to get over it. _Ro-nan is-in lo-ove_ they sang, as well as _Adam and Ronan sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G._

Later, he and Blue would talk about it in more depths. Blue explained that it was just nice to see that side of Ronan. 

(“If it’s so nice why do you guys laugh?” Ronan would ask, and Blue would answer that sometimes it’s easier to laugh than it is to take the time to understand. She also explained that Gansey had never even heard those words come of of his mouth before, unless he was talking to one of his relatives, and even then it was rare. To hear him say the phrase to freely was just a shock, apparently. It wasn’t personal) 

Talking with her was more pleasant than Ronan would like to admit—but for then, they would all continue to pester him because, in Henry and Blue’s words: “ol’ punk rock Ronan is a huge softy after all.” 

 

5—While after the many months Ronan had been dating Adam, he had grown comfortable with himself, he thought there were still some things he would never feel comfortable enough to share.

In the same, there were some conversations Ronan tried to avoid having with Gansey. It wasn’t personal, Ronan just thought some parts of his life were left unknown to Gansey, for his own good. If he had known letting Gansey help him move into the Barns would’ve sparked an unwanted conversation, he would’ve moved out of Monmouth himself.

It was many months after he and Adam started dating, and a few weeks until the latter would leave for college. It seemed like an unspoken understanding that after Adam left, Ronan would no longer live at Monmouth, but at the Barns, with Opal full-time. It was also understood that when Adam returned, he would no longer stay at St. Agnes, but with Ronan, presumably, forever. 

Gansey insisted on helping in anyway possible.

It was noon when Ronan felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He assumed it was Adam calling to specify plans, but when Ronan saw the caller-ID, he realized it was not. He groaned, but answered the phone anyway. 

“Hello, Ronan. Sorry to bother you, I was just wondering if you needed me to bring over this box, it’s one of the few left here,” Gansey explained. “It’s labeled, uh, confidential, in all caps. I thought it might be important.”

When hearing this, Ronan could only chuckle. “No, Gansey, it’s fine. It’s nothing, I’ll get it later.” The box did not hold _nothing_ , but rather: condoms and lube and any other sexual things. 

“If it’s nothing, can’t I throw it out?” 

Ronan swore. “No.”

“Well, I don’t see why—wait, what _is_ in this?” 

Ronan heard shuffling noises from the other line. He swore. “No gansey no don’t open the box, it’s just—“

Then, Ronan heard a gasp followed by snickering in the background. “Is this… are these yours?” Gansey asked, dumbfounded. 

The box was originally created to keep all sexual things hidden from those who were not using said sexual things. It was easier to keep his lube on his bedside table, Ronan realized, but in doing that, Gansey would’ve noticed, and this conversation would’ve happened a lot earlier. Thus the box was created. The box’s contents only grew when him and Adam started dating, as did the need for the box. 

“Uh, yes,” Ronan said unsurely. He debated just hanging up, but he knew he would have to have this awkward conversation eventually.

In reality, there was no shame to be had in what he was doing with Adam, just like there was no shame in crushing on Adam months before. In a way, this conversation should’ve have been any different than the conversation he had with Noah—but, this wasn’t Noah, this was Gansey. 

“Why?” Gansey asked stupidly. 

At this, Ronan could clearly identify the snickering in the background as Henry. He narrowed his eyes despite the fact that Henry couldn’t see him. Chainsaw did the same from where she was sitting, perched on Ronan’s shoulders. 

“Fuck off, Cheng. What do you have to be laughing at?” he said, though he couldn’t exactly blame Henry for laughing. The conversation was comical at the least. Gansey asking “why” just added to the humor of the situation. 

Henry was in hysterics at this point. “I’m not laughing at _you! I swear!”_ he said. 

In a lower voice, Gansey asked: “Is it me? What are you—“

“Just ask him why again, Gansey.”

“Why do you have _Durex Extra Sensitive_ and…. _Trojan Pleasure Pack_ condoms? And, is this—?” At this point, Gansey sounded just as flustered as Ronan was.

“What do you think Gansey?!”

“Well I don’t know, that’s why—”

“Adam and I are having sex, okay?” 

The line went quiet and Ronan flushed, and he swore he heard Chainsaw start laughing, with Cheng starting in shortly after. Ronan didn’t see why it had to be such a comical thing.

“Oh! _Oh,_ I see. I see. Sorry, for um, bothering you—I didn’t mean.” Gansey paused, “I’ll drop this off at the Barns, later, okay?”

Ronan swore, “Gansey, no you don’t—”

“Its fine! It’s my pleasure, Ronan.”

Ronan cringed at Gansey’s word choice, but complied nonetheless. “Yeah, yeah okay. I’ll see you later, man, okay?”

“Okay, will do!”

Ronan hung up then before he could hear more of Henry and Gansey’s weird conversations. As he put his phone back in his pocket, he supposed it could’ve gone worse. As awkward as it was, Gansey _was_ his best friend—he had a right to know what was going on in Ronan’s life, and sex, like anything else, was a part of that. Ronan just wished he didn’t have to be so tremendously awkward about it. 

Hours later, Adam arrived home. When he did, he told of the evening’s events and his internal struggles. Adam was only moderately helpful. 

(“It was so awkward Adam,” he said. “I wanted to die.”

“You’ll get better with it,” he said. “Like anything else, you’ll just have to get used to talking about it. Yeah?”

“I guess,” Ronan groaned. “You’ll wait out here until he gets here then?”

Adam snorted. “No, I’m going to bed. You’re on your own with that.”)

;

Later, Gansey _did_ arrive with the “confidential” box. He also arrived with what seemed to be a pre-rehearsed spiel.

Gansey came inside and set down the box on the countertop. Ronan stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, until the other boy decided to speak up: “I’m glad you guys are being intimate with each other, I really am—Ronan don’t roll your eyes at me, this isn’t one of my _“Gansey”_ speeches, okay? I really mean it.”

At this Ronan rolled his eyes, again, but he continued to listen to what Gansey had to say. “I can’t express how happy I am that my two best friends in the whole world love each other. And while I could do with out the lube and condoms at Monmouth, and the images they provoke, I’m glad you guys are safe and everything. Yeah?”

Ronan pretended to be annoyed by what Gansey said, but ultimately they hugged it out. Sex was a big deal for Ronan, and it would probably always be a big deal—but, being with Adam was one of the only things that made Ronan feel whole, as cliché as it is. So naturally, he wanted to be as close to Adam as possible. 

“I really love him, Gansey,” Ronan admitted as the two were hugging. 

“I know,” Gansey said. It wasn’t much, but it was what Ronan needed to hear from his best friend. 

After Gansey had left, Ronan could help but smile despite himself; he had come so far. Years ago, he could barely get the word gay out of his mouth without having an internal conniption fit about it. Being gay, and telling others, had been something for Ronan to be afraid about. 

Now, he could talk freely about having sex with his boyfriend to his best friend and only feel moderately awkward about it. He didn’t feel shameful, dirty, or wrong in his own skin. If anything, he was proud. 

It wasn’t even about sex, or about Adam really. Ronan had found some sort of way to accept himself. And that was truly all Ronan could ever ask for.

 

Part +1—There was no use to beating around the bush—in the summer after Adam’s freshman year of college, Adam got down on one knee, and popped the question. The decision had been based on many months of introspecting, and honesty, Adam was happy to have it over and done with. After Ronan accepted the proposal, it felt like they could really start their lives together. It was the beginning of everything, the beginning to the rest of their lives—but before they could get there, they had to have the wedding, and before that: they had to tell everyone. 

After he had proposed, everything went quickly. Adam felt like he was floating through the days, almost as if he was in Cabeswater, like time no longer held any real meaning. Though, that couldn’t be true, because in the months before the summer would end, they had so much to do. Most importantly, they had to tell everyone. 

They had figured the engagement would be easiest to announce if everyone was in one place. That being said, they had debated the location for a while. 

The space had to be big enough for everyone that they wanted, but not too big that it would draw attention away from the wedding, which would happen sometime in the summer. This space was just for the announcement. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but to Adam, announcing it felt like the most important part—or at the very least, the _hardest_ part. As they talked it over, he was shaking just thinking about it.

It couldn't have been at the the Barns, that would be better used for the reception. It couldn't be Adam's school apartment, that was too far, and so was any place Ronan had suggested in D.C.; This left 300 Fox Way, and with Blue's family willing, they were on their way.

They had thought over the guest list carefully. Whom they invited would be crucial, but neither of the boy’s were too picky. They could always add or revoke invites later, he had supposed. Nothing was set in stone, either—this was just a casual party, at which, they would be announcing something not so casual. They had decided on inviting: Gansey, Henry and Blue (obviously), along with Declan, Mathew, and the girls from Fox Way—but, Adam would be mailing invites to his mother, Declan’s girlfriend Ashley, as well as some college friends who wouldn’t be able to make the “announcement” party. 

Opal had helped make up the wedding invitations, which would be handed out at the party. She was the only one besides the two that knew what was happening. Adam had told her that if she didn't tell anyone, she could be the flower girl. After explaining what they entailed, she had agreed willingly and even went above and beyond to draw pictures for the invitations.

Currently, on the day of, Adam collected the invitations and made himself presentable. Ronan did the same, and even combed Opal’s hair. The three toppled into the BWM and started to drive. In the car, Adam couldn’t help but gnaw on his nails as he ran over the possibilities of the night. He hoped that everything would run over smoothly, and almost prayed that no one would be angry. Neither Ronan nor himself needed that now. 

“Stop shaking, you’re going to make me go insane,” Ronan swore, breaking the silence that had existed previously in the car. Then, softer, he added: “It’s going to be okay Adam, I promise. They’re going to be thrilled.”

Ronan was talking to Adam, but it seemed like he was re-assuring himself as well. Adam wondered if Ronan himself was doubtful. 

Once at the party, Ronan didn’t _seem_ doubtful, but rather, just nervous in general. Adam could understand that. The Fox Way girls hadn’t asked too many questions about why they needed their house for the evening, but Adam suspected they had a clue, since they _were_ psychics and all. 

As the night drew on, Adam’s nerves only got worse. He had dressed nicely, along with Ronan, but not too nicely to raise suspicions. They wanted to keep this a secret for as long as they could. Because once it was out, there was no going back.

When Adam had lived in the trailer, hiding was all he ever did. He would hide in his room to avoid pain, he would hide his bruises to avoid suspicions, and he would hide his situation to avoid creating a worse one. At the end of the day, he hid to keep himself safe. At the beginning of his and Ronan’s relationship, it was hard for him to understand there was no longer a need to hide. He was safe. 

Those were the thoughts he said over and over in his head as Ronan called everyone into the living room. _You, Adam Parrish, are safe._

Everyone piled into the living room. Blue, Gansey, and Henry ran in with bright smiles, and Adam guessed he had missed a joke while he was off sweating his brains out. Declan and Mathew sat beside each other, not quite knowingly, just curiously. The Fox Way girls stirred by the doorway, entering from time to time. They seemed too busy to stop completely, but they stood, listening nonetheless. 

Ronan stood at the front with his fiancé, but all eyes were on Adam. It was like he was at graduation again, and everyone was looking to him as Valedictorian to give an amazing speech. He felt like he was going to puke. As if he could sense this, Ronan took his hand in his own. Adam felt the cold press of Ronan’s ring against his skin, and couldn’t help but smile despite himself. 

The room grew quieter, and Adam supposed it was time to talk. It had to be him to, Adam knew that. Ronan had been through enough, confessed enough, and worked through everything he had to work through—Adam hadn’t. It had to be him. 

“I suppose you are all wondering why we called you here, and if you haven't figured it out yet,” Adam started. _Short and sweet,_ he thought to himself. "Ronan and I are engaged. And we want all of you to come to our wedding.” 

He held Ronan's hand tightly as everyone before them _roared._ As everyone started to cheer and ask questions, Adam couldn’t help but smile. Of all of the things he had been through, this was the most unnecessary to worry about. Of course they would all be happy, of course they would all be cheering—they all loved him. Adam felt silly for having doubts.

Standing in Fox Way, Adam smiled at Ronan as they answered everyone’s questions. Gansey had been at a loss for words at first, but then went on to ask many questions in regards to the ceremony as well as reception. They answered as best they could. 

Blue was the first one to ask for the story, but more specifically, _who asked who_. Everyone else seemed to want to hear the story just as badly, especially Mathew, who had always been keen on their relationship. Adam did his best to tell the unbiased version of the story, but Ronan filled in whenever he was off. 

Adam had done the asking—but, it had almost been mutual, in a way.

A few weeks before the end of Adam’s freshman year, on a particularly late night, Ronan had told Adam about his problem of dreaming up engagement rings. Ronan described the collection of rings in their entirety to him over the phone, and in that moment, he realized just how badly he wanted to see an engagement ring on Ronan’s finger. He figured if he sounded too eager over the phone, Ronan might’ve popped the question before Adam would even have had the chance. To avoid this, Adam pretended to seem disinterested in the idea.

Back at Fox Way, Ronan shoved him when he heard this. Everyone else laughed. Adam grinned but continued on with the story. 

While Adam had felt guilty doing this at first, he knew Ronan would be happy with the end result. After he hung up the phone, he got to work planning. He started saving up money for the ring, too. It wasn’t necessarily a complex plan, but he knew Ronan would love it nonetheless. 

On the day that Adam arrived home, after his first year of college, he had told Ronan he left something in the back of the car. Ronan, being the sweet, obeyed boyfriend he was, went to retrieve it for him without complaints. Adam stalked behind him, to see his initial reaction. In the back of the car was _not_ something he had forgotten, but something totally different—flowers, lots of them. Roses, blue lilies, and chocolate cosmoses (which reminded Adam greatly of Ronan) just to name a few. He had been growing them at his school apartment, and he knew how much the other boy adored them.

Propped up on these flowers was a sign, handwritten by Adam just hours before. He was going to go with the forever simple: _will you marry me?_ or something, but decided against it. Instead, he wrote the same dirty joke that lay on a stone in Cabeswater, a tribute to a time closer to when they first met. It written in Latin, because English was too trivial for a time like this. 

It was a big deal, for Adam to be proposing to Ronan, who was of the Catholic faith. While Ronan didn’t follow all of their beliefs (like the idea that marriage could only be between a man and a woman), he had confided in Adam that he did not believe in divorce, or at least he himself would never get divorced. To a Catholic, marriage was permanent, no matter what. To Ronan, it was just the same. Adam understood this when he made the decision. This was forever.

When Ronan turned around, Adam was already down on one knee. (At this, Blue squealed and held tighter onto Gansey, who smiled but told her to be polite. At the back of the room, Adam could see that Declan was smiling too.) While Adam couldn’t describe the look Ronan had on his face in words, he would have liked to to imagine that it had resembled some form of happiness. 

To be truthfully honestly, kneeling there on the ground, Adam saw fear in Ronan’s eyes. He could understand this—-there was so much to be scared about, perhaps even more than there was to be happy about. 

From Ronan’s perspective, so much could’ve went wrong in that moment. The proposal could’ve been a joke, he could’ve been dreaming, or the proposal could’ve succeeded just to fail further down the line.

But, more than fear, Adam saw a vulnerability in his eyes. Ronan was giving himself completely to Adam, he always had been, and now he was testing just how much Ronan was willing to give. 

Adam didn’t share all of that in his telling of the story, some things were better kept between Ronan and himself. He only said what was necessary to paint the picture in his friend’s minds.

Continuing, Adam described how he took out the ring—it was a blue opal ring in which he had engraved Ronan’s name, as well as the latin word for peace. He did this to symbolize how far they had both gotten, and now, life allowing, they could have peace. 

As for the rings themselves, they were beautiful. Adam had originally wanted to go with diamonds, just because of their prestige, but after he saw the blue opal rings, he was in love. The blue of the rings matched Ronan’s eyes, and reminded him of the water in Cabeswater. The fact that their dream daughter’s name was Opal was just an added bonus. 

After Adam asked, Ronan had of course said yes. He had barely gotten the words out of his mouth before his newfound fiancé was pulling him into a kiss. 

“Are you wearing the ring?” Blue asked excitedly, to which Ronan nodded. “Well let’s see it!”

Everyone crowded around Ronan then, eager to see the beautiful ring Adam had just described. Ronan held out his hand so everyone could get a better look. The gesture made Adam smile, his fiancé looked _proud_ to be wearing his ring. It filled Adam with joy to believe that even he could buy something that would have worth to someone as wealthy as Ronan, though, he was sure the worth of the ring had less to do with how much and cost and more with what it promised. _Peace_ , and so much more. 

For years, Adam had struggled with himself in more ways than one. Ronan had too. The wedding ring seemed like a peace offering, to end all hate towards oneself. With this, they could be happy. It was the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. 

“Ro, this is amazing!” Mathew beamed once he had a turn to examine the ring in its entirety. They had gone simpler, in the way that the ring closely resembled a wedding band, more than it resembled an actual jeweled engagement ring. Ronan said that he didn’t give a fuck, and that he didn’t know the difference anyway. 

Mathew turned over the ring, running his fingers over the smooth inlayed opal and oak wood—almost in the same way Ronan had done when he first received the ring. “It’s beautiful.”

Blue, Henry and Gansey all seemed to agree. “It really is, Ronan,” Gansey smiled. The two—Ronan and Gansey—seemed to be having their own silent conversation through looks and smiles. Adam realized this was a big deal for them. They had grown up best friends, telling each other everything, and now one of them was getting married. They would never have enough time to catch up with each other, or enough words for that matter. The sight made Adam want to cry. 

“It isn’t half bad,” Declan said next, patting Ronan on the back. “You did good.”

The Lynch brothers had only grown closer since their mother’s death, the opposite of how it happened after Niall’s. As horrible as it sounds, Adam was thankful for this. It meant the world for Ronan to get along with his brothers. It was one less problem for the both of them.

The comments had Ronan blushing, though he would never admit it. “Yeah, yeah. You can all fuck off now, by the way,” Ronan all bud hissed, taking his hand away from Calla who was the one currently looking at the jewelry. She hissed back. Adam laughed. 

Opal took this opportunity to hand out her homemade invitations. It wasn’t any _save the date_ invitation, but it was good enough for them. Everyone took theirs graciously. They had decided on the Barns, and had set the date for two weeks after Adam’s birthday, which was only about a month away. They had work to do, to say the least.

While they read over the invitations, Ronan draped himself over Adam, how he used to in the backseat of the pig before they had started dating. The gesture itself wasn’t romantic per se, but in that moment the two of them were most definitely being sentimental. Adam took Ronan’s hand and traced lines into it. _They had done it._

“Wait,” Blue said to the two who were curled over each other. Adam stopped tracing Ronan’s hand. “But, what did you _say?”_ she asked, drawing out the “a” in say while doing so. 

“You’re such a girl,” Ronan said.

“Thanks,” she replied.

Ronan and Blue’s newfound friendship was one of Adam’s favorite new developments. The two suited each other, and were even alike in more ways than one. It dawned on Adam that he had most definitely had a type in high school. 

“It was really long and over dramatic and sappy,” Adam paraphrased. “You don’t want to hear it.”

Blue only grinned. “Yes I do.”

“Another time,” Adam said, “I think Ronan’s had enough embarrassment for one night. And I think your boyfriend might need saving,” he nodded to where Calla was chatting with Gansey, who looked very uncomfortable, in the kitchen. 

“Right.” Blue sighed. “Still, I expect the full, detailed, and incredibly sappy story of your proposal speech, and nothing less.”

“Nothing less,” Adam smiled. “We can tell the story at the wedding.”

Blue seemed happy with that. They said goodbye to her as she went to save her boyfriend in distress. As she left, Ronan leaned closer into Adam.

“You really dodged a bullet there,” he said in regards to Blue.

Adam sniggered. “Oh please, like you didn’t have to restrain yourself from calling and telling her everything as soon as it happened,” he said, causing Ronan to blush. “I know you, Lynch.”

“Parrish-Lynch, actually.”

“Oh, are we hyphenating?” Adam raised his eyebrows and laughed. 

As the two mindlessly “argued” over the last name situation, Adam reminisced on the proposal. It had been one of the most intimate moments of his life, because the two boys had allowed themselves to remain completely vulnerable. Never did either of the two shy away from the moment or try to half-ass it; they had been completely open and honest—ready to be rejected, but trusted that they would not be. 

While kneeling down on one knee, Adam had started his long spiel. He had been practicing it the way down from Penn, just like he would’ve done for a school presentation—except this time, he was a million times more nervous, because this was a million times more important than any school presentation he ever had to give. 

“A few years back, before I had enrolled in Aglionby, I saw a boy who looked just like you in the grocery store. I was stopped, holding up a whole line of people because my mom’s credit card had been denied. While I was searching for non-existent change, I saw the buzz-cutted boy swipe his own credit card without even looking at the price. He took his things and left, walking outside to a shiny black car where his two friends waited for him. In that moment, I had never wanted to be someone more. He had moved with such carelessness and confidence, he looked like someone who had worth. I wanted that.” Adam had said. 

When he said it, he had wanted Ronan to know that over all these years, whenever he looked at him, he saw the reason he started Aglionby. To be something comparable of Ronan Lynch, that was the goal.

“I wanted Aglionby to give me that, so I enrolled, despite all the obvious problems it created. I did this so I could have money, so I could be successful, so I could be something—while I still think these are all valid wants, it was deeper than that. I felt that if I didn’t have those things, or until I had those things, I _wouldn’t_ be enough. And while I wanted to go to college and succeed and have a job that interested me—more than anything, I just wanted to be worth something.”

The easiest way to be worth something was to have your bank account be worth something. Money wasn’t objective, it would be solid evidence that Adam Parrish had worth. 

“I thought the only way I could ever be like the boy in the grocery store was if I had money. You showed me that that wasn't true, because you never gave a shit about how much was in my bank account. You loved me regardless, you thought I had worth regardless. it wasn't you, a rich raven kid telling me that money didn't matter that made all my problems go away, but you looked at me with all the admiration in the world that it made me feel like it didn't matter.

The point Adam was trying to make was that he didn’t just love Ronan because Ronan loved him—he loved Ronan because he made Adam love himself. That had a lot more meaning, particularly for someone like Adam, who for many years he had thought he was incapable of loving someone—especially himself. 

“For those reasons, I love you. It goes without saying that I think you are the best person I have ever met. You are good, you are good for me. You make me love me, which is an incredible feat in itself. I never want to stop feeling the way I do right now, I never want to be without you ever, and,” Adam had paused, “I want to be able to call you my husband, if you’ll have me.”

Ronan had been crying the whole time. It was a silent type of crying, tears quietly streaming down his face as he let them cover his neck in wetness. Adam had stared into his eyes as he cried, on the verge of crying himself. Only did he let himself cry when Ronan wrapped his arms around him and told him: Yes. 

While he had expected Ronan to say yes, he hadn’t expected how great it would feel to hear him say it—Christ, it was more than _great_ , it was life changing. The idea that someone like Ronan could like, love, want to marry someone like Adam was mind-boggling. It was overwhelming, insane, surreal, alluring, love-sickening, wondrous, and so much more. There weren’t enough adjectives in the English, or Latin, dictionary to express how Adam felt in that moment. 

Adam had told Ronan not to cry, even though he couldn’t deny the tears running down his own face. Ronan had called him an asshole, then, but kept hugging him just the same. It had felt like hours before Adam moved, only doing so to place the ring on his fiancé finger. 

After that, they had made their way to the bedroom. The two were so overcome with love that they couldn’t wait, or at least Adam couldn’t. Adam would’ve taken Ronan right then and there, outside by the front of his car if he would’ve had him. Once inside, the two made love for what felt like hours. (After Adam had reunited with Opal, and after Ronan had put her down for a nap, that is.) If the two of them didn’t get out of bed for days, then no one had to know.

It was a sickeningly sweet story, Adam realized, back at Monmouth, and he looked forward to telling it to Blue, and Gansey, and whoever else wanted to hear it. He was no longer ashamed of himself, nor his relationship. Adam Parrish was an open book. 

“Let’s go home,” Ronan said, pulling him back to reality. He realized most of the guest—the ones that didn’t live there—had been filtering out. (Mathew and Declan had been by to congratulate once more, along with Henry and Gansey, who seemed generally proud of the two.) 

The two began to leave, saying goodbye to Blue and her family while doing so. When they got to the car, Adam let himself dissolve into Ronan’s leather car seats. It had been a long day, but it felt like more than just a day. It was an end to an era, a sign of the times. The beginning to his new life. 

Adam couldn’t believe this was his life. 

“You good?” Ronan asked as he started to back up the BMW. Adam was noticeably falling asleep, which was something he hadn’t done since high school. It was an old habit, but this time, Adam wasn’t falling asleep because of a lack of sleep, but rather, an excitement to start tomorrow. 

Adam said simply: “Yeah, I’m good.”

And he was. 

**Author's Note:**

> thaaankkkk you for reading! talk to me on tumblr @ashtonsbabygurl :))


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